please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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