I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
