Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
