she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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