What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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