I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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