i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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