I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
