my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
