There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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