Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
