I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Please don't give away my fajitas
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