that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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