I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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