Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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