Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
