The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I am one with the molecules
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
