I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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