Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
