I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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