i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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