I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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