mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
