You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
