Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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