Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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