life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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