He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
