I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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