I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
