your thong is hanging out like whoa
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
