he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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