Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
