Too much gin, very little bucket
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
