honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
