after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
