so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
