Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
