Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
