You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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