Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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