I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
