I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need a beard to bite.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
