He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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