am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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