but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
