Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
