Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
