cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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