I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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