Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
