just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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