Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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