I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
