I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
