Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
